One of the common issue in nurturing our child among the parents or teachers is that we find our child not listen to us!  “Son, clean up your room!”, an instruction given to your son early morning, but the room is still messy when you enter your son’s room at night.  In actual fact, you have been asking him to do so since a week ago, but nothing has been done!  You are frustrated!  Does this sound familiar?

I went for a parenting talk on Saturday.  Puan Jamilah Samian who just launched her book “Cool Mum, Super Dad” was the speaker of the day.  She is a mother of 4 boys and 1 girl, who turned from a housewife to a writer.  She shared a lots of good points in nurturing our child positively in detailed.  I really enjoyed the talk a lot!  I’ll share with you what I’ve learned from this outstanding mother.

Communication between parents and the child is the most important element in parenting.  We feel frustrated and stressed when the child does not listen to what we said.  Our message seems unable to deliver into their brain.  Have you wonder why your child didn’t get what you said/told him?  We need to stop for awhile and evaluate our way of speaking to our child instead of keep repeating the same method when it doesn’t work.

How can we get our child to listen to us?

• Be specific and precise of your message that you want your child to receive.
• Tell your child what you do want him to do.
• Be a good listener to your child.  Before we want our child to listen to us, we need to practice listening to them first!
• Do not make assumptions because you are the mother/father/teacher, therefore you know better than the child.   This leads to miscommunication and misunderstanding between the two parties.   By doing so, we are creating gap between the two generations.
• Stay calm even though your child is talking about something that you might not happy to hear.  Control your own emotions!
• Repeat questions asked by the child reconfirm his doubts/requests.
• Asked relevant questions to lead the child to think and make his own decision.  I believe that a child as young as 3 years old can make his own decision and I respect it as long as it does not harm others.  Instead of giving instructions all the time, sometimes let them decide and learn to take control of his behavior.  A child needs to learn to accept any consequences from his behavior/attitude.  This is the best way for him to learn but proper guidance and positive parenting.
• Get to know your child so that you know the nature of your child and therefore you know how to communicate with him better and more effective.

When we are practicing the proper communication skills, we are not just become more effective communicate with children but with people around us.  That is why I always say nurturing our child lead us to relearn everything in life if we want our child to be a better human being in the society in future.  I’m not perfect too!  At times I lose control of my emotions and may say things that I’m not suppose to.  For instance, we had a family gathering recently in a restaurant.   As we are big family, we were seated in a room with two large tables.  I chose to sit with my niece and nephews who age from 9 to 15 years old.  They are active and started playing roughly and fighting.  I got so frustrated as they are not listening, that I said, “I’m so regret to sit here with all of you!” because I just want a nice quiet dinner with the family and they spoiled my evening.  After saying that, the kids looked at me and disappointed.  I was disappointed too because I have used the wrong words that hurt when I have been telling children to say kind words.  Well, the lesson here is to acknowledge the mistake and tell myself not to repeat the same mistake again in future.  Anyhow, we eventually have a happy gathering that evening once I changed my own perception and prejudice about the children that they are not listening!

Example 1

“Clean your room.  Your room is so messy and I have been telling you for days, but you just not listen.  I’m so upset with your attitude…..blah blah blah..” - if you are the child, what will you react?  I will shut down my ears and try to avoid my mom who just non-stop nagging.

Example 2

“Please put away the toys.  Daddy will be home soon, quickly clean up.  I will switch on the TV for you, you sit quietly and be a good boy while waiting for daddy.  When daddy is back, dinner will be ready and you need to wash your hands…” - It’s confusing as too much information and instructions at one time.  The child might just hear his favorite phrase - watch TV!  Therefore, instead of cleaning up his toys, he just sit down in front of the TV to watch his favorite show and you are the one end up putting away the toys.

Example 3

“Please put the toys in the basket!” - short and precise.  You are telling him what you want him to do.

Example 4

“Don’t run!”, an adult yelled at a child.  The child stopped for awhile, and then ran away.  The child didn’t hear ‘don’t’.  He just heard ‘run’, therefore he ran!

Example 5

“Walking feet please!  The floor is slippery and you might hurt yourself if you run.”, advised by an adult with a firm but friendly tone.  The child stopped and walked slowly.  The child heard ‘walking feet’ clear and precise!

I hope the above examples are able to help you see how different the same message being convey with different words and tones.  Which way do you want other people to talk to you?  I believe you can make a good judgment and decide how you can improve to communicate better with your child!  We need to improve ourselves so that nurture our child can be more effective!

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